With God On My Side

"So now as I'm leavin'
I'm weary as Hell
The confusion I'm feelin'
Ain't no tongue can tell
The words fill my head
And fall to the floor
If God's on our side
He'll stop the next war." Bob Dylan


I really can't complain...
I would like to though.
I've just lost my home of five years. The red kitchen, the deco bathroom, the mystical reverb in the living room, the 1950's lane coffee table, the green couch, the art books, the little salt and pepper shakers I stole from my mom...everything.

Mold. It's biblical they say. You can't mess with mold.
So, i've packed up all I can take; a few bags of dresses and a bucket of journals.

When you lose everything you think you "had" it's a very strange feeling.
Loss can sometimes be a blessing.
But the blessing hasn't quite hit.

I said goodbye to all my things today but I'm not sure I really meant it.
It's one thing to be ready to say so long.
It's another when it's chosen for you.

Free as a bird?
Well, that's just great.
What if I wasn't in the mood to be free?

"So soon??" I hear Judy Davis in my head. "So fast? Well that's just great! That's just fucking great Jack!"
Now, she wasn't talking about mold but Jack was leaving her and it wasn't by choice. He just upped and took a new girlfriend.
She handled it the way I would handle it.
Like a twitching bird.
Free as a bird my ass.
There's no flight of feather.
I'm screwed.

But, perspective, perspective, perspective...
I can't complain.
I'm at The Green House which is as lovely a home as any and the little one has welcomed me in with open arms.

Still,

Something has happened to me.
I think being stripped of everything has shoved me in to the strange and bizarre.
I can't really sense what I feel. I'm not really certain of what I want and don't see a map coming any time soon.

Not to mention, loss has been my middle name since June..
My lover white bread said I'll miss this. I do.
I do. I do. I do.
I miss the red kitchen already.
I can paint another kitchen red. I can buy another bed, but there was something to that place.
I've never been one to attach to things. I've been known to throw out whole closets in one sweep. Never been known to be nostalgic about t.v.'s and couches but this was different.
This was mold and like I said, you can't mess with mold.
There was no choice.
And when you don't get to choose, you get angry. you get furious and you want answers to the why?

When you break up with someone you may feel sadness. You may hurt because they hurt. You may even second guess.
But when you are broken up with, when you aren't choosing the loss, when you are the left, there is no solace and the regret.....lingers.

And then Time.
My best friend.
My buddy.
Time comes along.
And then there is Forgetting.
My other best friend.
Forgetting comes along.
And then there is God.
My curious aquaintence.
God comes along.

And with Time and Forgetting and a sprinkle of God, I won't think about the things I've lost. I won't wonder about these days. I'll just go on.
And maybe I'll make a comment or two at a dinner party..
"oh remember that bed? that was the best bed in the world...i miss that bed.."
And then I'll keep strumming the guitar and then I'll go on.